She asked me, “how is your blog coming?” Before I even thought, I heard these words come out of my mouth, “I am ignoring God right now.”
What?! I can’t believe I told this woman. My sister’s Christian friend. That I was ignoring God!
Then I thought, “is that really what I’m doing?”
I suppose yes in a way it is.
I continue to have scraps of paper with musings, thoughts, stories scribbled on them, scattered across my desk. I continue to have images and memories come to mind of things I should write down and process out in written word. But making it a complete piece, editing it so it is more coherent and sending it out to the world…has not happened.
She is not the first to ask me how my writing is going. But she is the first that I have responded to in this way.
Why?
I wish I could blame it on COVID and heavy world issues occurring for the reason I haven’t posted in over a year. But the truth is more basic than that.
Doubt and fear.
Doubt that what I write or say will encourage or make a difference to anyone. Doubt about my ability to write. Doubt that I am good enough. Doubt that God can use my little postings.
Then fear that He will.
Fear that this little blog will turn into something bigger. Than I won’t measure up. Fear that I will spark hurt or controversy over something I say. Fear that my words will unintentionally hurt or harm someone.
And I have had so many encouraging comments and support from friends and family. But…doubt and fear swept them away under the rug in my mind.
So day after day, until months became a year, I did not post. Until today. Until the words, “I am ignoring God,” poured from my mouth and echoed in my mind. I think I was as shocked as she was that, that was my reply.
But now, as I process my answer more, I feel the real truth, what I should have said, “I’m not trusting God enough.”
I’ve let doubt and fear replace my trust. I’ve let my words be kept silent, instead of trusting God to take them where they should go.
I had forgotten how and why I started this blog. That I used to just write and let it go. I would pray over the words I put down, “God, take these words to who needs them most. Please use them to encourage and uplift anyone who needs it.” Then I would trust God to do just that as I released my words.
So, I am restarting.
I am going to ignore my whispers of doubt and fear.
I am going to renew my trust in God. I am going to let Him take the words of hope and encouragement that I write and use them as only He can do.
I am letting these words encourage me to write again.