Sometimes, ok often, I withhold some of my belief, my trust, my faith. It’s like I have a pile of coins or tokens in my heart. I give over so many of them to God, but then I keep some in reserve. Some ‘just in case.’ Just in case what?! If God can’t handle it? If God can’t make things better? Then who can? Surely I can’t do better than God!! Then as I really let the absurdity of holding back my belief, my trust, my faith from God sink in. I prayed. Asking for help in my unbelief, in my mistrust and in my lack of faith. I prayed for help in releasing everything to Him.
Then I read my Upper Room devotion for the day. Matthew 28:16-20. And there in verse 17, “When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.“ How can that be?! How could the disciples see with their own eyes, see Him die on the cross. See Him resurrected. See Him again in person. Hear Him speak. And still some doubted!
I immediately felt some relief. Some comfort. It was reassuring to me that even the disciples could have doubt. And that God knows I have doubt. But He loves me anyway.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your word today. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone in my doubt. Thank you for forgiving me in my limited view and in my withholding my belief. Help me to loosen my grip on my way, on my faith. Help me to open my hands and my heart and give it all to you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.